


sometimes (i don't know what i'm supposed to do)

by iamalystark



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, No Dialogue, Not Canon Compliant, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker is a Mess, Poor Peter Parker, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, What Was I Thinking?, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:42:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25157200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamalystark/pseuds/iamalystark
Summary: Sometimes, Peter Parker isn't okay.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 127





	sometimes (i don't know what i'm supposed to do)

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE heed the warnings, guys

Sometimes, he's not okay. Sometimes, no matter what he does, he doesn't feel right. 

Sometimes, his chest feels tight, too tight. It feels heavy, like he's going to be crushed under the weight of his mind and his thoughts. Sometimes, he puts his hand over his lungs and tries to remember how to breathe. 

Sometimes, Peter lies in bed and his head feels so full and so empty at once, like it's going to implode and explode at the same time. Sometimes, he can feel his cries building up in his chest and throat, but they never come. 

Sometimes, he stares up at the ceiling, begging silently to feel something, _anything_ , because he's so fucking _numb_. And sometimes, he curls on his side and wraps his arms around himself and he cries. He cries so much it hurts, and he never wants to stop.

Sometimes, he holds a blade in his hand and he presses it against his skin, contemplating whether or not to tear into the pale flesh. Sometimes, he does. He likes to watch the blood bubble up. Sometimes, he doesn't. He doesn't want to face the guilt. 

Sometimes, Peter holds a bottle of pills in his hands, and he opens the lid. Sometimes, he pours them into his hand, and he wonders. He always puts them back. Sometimes, he wishes he took them. 

Sometimes, he breathes so hard and so deep that all he can do is cry. Sometimes, he doesn't breathe, holding it in until his lungs burn and blackness dances across his vision. He wants to _stop_.

Sometimes, he thinks about the people that care about him, thinks about how devastated they'd be to see him go. It's always enough to make him stay. Sometimes, his mind twists everything around, telling him they don't care, not really. Why else would he be staring at _'No new messages_ ' with tears rolling down his face and lungs struggling to keep working? 

Sometimes, Peter tries his best to get out of conversations, and rolls over to ignore the texts on his phone. And sometimes, he stares and he stares and he waits for someone to say _something_ , waits for someone to care. 

Sometimes, he presses his hand over his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut as he cries so hard his throat hurts and his eyes get red and puffy. He always feels shaky after that. Sometimes, his eyes are wide open and he lays there, unseeing, and cries hard and loud and open. He always feels numb after that. 

Sometimes, those he care about aren't okay, and he does everything he can to help, to make them all better. He always worries, so, so much. He knows that one day he won't be enough. (Why do they want _him_?) Sometimes, he's not okay, but he plasters on a fake smile and he tells them "I'm fine." even though he's not. Even though, inside, he's begging for someone to hear him, for someone to just hold him. 

He never feels okay. He never figures out how to breathe properly. He never stops _feeling_. He never stops pressing that blade against his skin. He never stops holding the pills in his hand. He never stops worrying about those he loves, while also just wanting someone to worry about him for once. He is never okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was one hundred percent a vent lmao


End file.
